This long tunnel is growing dim and musty. Air is being depleted, making it hard to breathe. Hard to move forward into the darkness. The ground sways making it difficult to stand. Rock and earth crumble from above, falling faster and in larger chunks. Choking on the dust, straining for the air that remains. On my knees searching, reaching out, pleading for a way out, begging for a different path. Ahead in the distance I make out a familiar figure. I call out but make no sound. I want him to stay, but he pauses only for a moment and moves on. As if a piece of my heart, my soul, is leaving, walking slowly away yet I cannot catch up. I cannot stop him. I cannot move. I cannot make noise, not even a whisper in this eerie silence. I must sit on these bruised and bloodied knees and watch; helplessly. Hopelessly. Cold hands pull in opposite directions inside of me. Unsettled and off balance, I’m nauseous, spinning, swirling, hurting. I want this agony to go away, but don’t want it to end.
Rakkar, Dads oncologist, sat with my Dad, Mom, brother, and me today at the hospital. He discussed the prognosis. Indeed there are but two choices. Chemotherapy, or not. The ultimate outcomes are the same; however one choice may provide slightly more time at the cost of likely symptoms. While we appreciated the honesty and definitive information, it is not what any of us wanted to hear. Deep down, we all knew what Rakkar was going to say, but he validated it.
Within the next two weeks, a decision needs to be made as to which path to go down. If chemo is chosen, the choice must be made so that a port can be placed and chemo can begin. It was explained that waiting two months for chemo is not really an option. Based on the short timeframes provided, Dad either chooses to begin chemo or not – there is not enough anticipated time left to wait and see or decide later.
The other path, no chemo, is fairly straight forward. It is also a shorter path.
I don’t like either choice. I want to go back to plan A. I want to go deep sea fishing and laugh as kids splash in the waves on the beach. I want to drink beer and watch the sun set while enjoying the salty breeze. I want to plan and strategize and make lists just so we can check them off. I want family dinners on Sunday nights to last forever.
There were a few other items discussed and some changes to Dads dietary plan, but that all feels rather secondary at the moment. I know Dad has a tough decision ahead of him and I know he doesn’t want to let any of us down. I also know that we are all here to support whatever decision is best for him. We are all here to share our love with him the best we can.
There may not be another update for a while, but know that all of your comments are read and often re-read at times like these. Thank you all for the love shown and support given.
With Hope and Love,
Richard
The Upside of Down - an update on hope, love, and oncology 
no words can express the sadness we feel as you shared your grief and pain with us so poignantly in this most recent blog. Your words allow us to participate in your experience…such an all encompassing range of emotion. I wish the news had been different, that there would be more time, that you could wake up from this nightmare and take a breath of fresh air. I don’t understand why these things happen to people like your dad…I do understand the brokenness of our world…and I know my God hears your prayers and sees your tears. I try to imagine how one without eternal hope could walk through the valley of the shadow of death…and yet I fully believe because I have watched others do it, that it IS possible to go by the GRACE and mercy of God through this dark night and not be afraid. So right now I pray for God’s amazing GRACE and tender mercies to rest upon you…that you will KNOW HIS peace and that you will be comforted…that God will look tenderly at his servant Kevin and grant him the ability to chose the right path…praying for God’s presence will fill the room and you will be assured that you are not alone…He will never leave you, though you may feel He is far away…praying in the name of our great God and healer, Jesus, that you will experience EMMANUEL, God with Us, in a tangible way…Love, Darin and Leslie Jones
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Just a beautiful prayer, Darin and Leslie Jones
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Dear Kevin, Mary, Richard and Jeremy,
We wish there was something we could do or say to ease your pain. You are ALL constantly in our thoughts and prayers. Whatever path is chosen, continue to get strength from each other, family, friends and your Faith. We are here for you, if you ever need us.
Kevin & Lora Haas
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Having walked this same path twice in the last 18 months, I found that in trusting in God and his plan gave me great strength to endure what was ahead. Not only did God help my loved ones transition he also gave me some beautiful moments to see and feel that they were going to a beautiful place, free of pain. Embrace this time, be with your dad as much as you can and feel God’s love.
Love to all of you….Jeanne Miller
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Very well said Jeanne. We are firmly in the belief God feels our pain and is a constant in our lives!
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The decision will not be easy just know that we are all praying for you and the family. Christine Peterson
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I sit here not knowing what to write, what to say! How can I ease your your troubled, fearful, anxious thoughts? My words can never be right or enough. Where do we seek comfort, knowledge, hope, and enough love with the ease of words? God’s written instructions for living in this world, He has promised everlasting life with Him. This is our temporary home and one day we will all walk where the streets are golden. May God see you all through with strength and hope as you all choose a path in peace. Love and prayers from Dave, Emily, Mikey, and myself💕
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There are only two days in the year where nothing can be done. One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow…so TODAY is the right day to love, laugh, believe, do and mostly live. God Bless
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My heart is heavy for your family. My family and I will continue to pray for the descisions that you face and for peace coming with whatever choice you make. Please let me know if there are tangible ways we can help…babysitting, meals, errand running. Hugs
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Thank you, Richard, for keeping updated those of us who love your dad from afar. This weekend’s series of blogs is not the news that any of us have been waiting for either. Judging from the depths of my sadness at this update, I can’t imagine how heavy your hearts must be. Kevin, peace be with you. Let God guide your decisions and leave the outcome in his hands. My prayers for your comfort, your understanding, your faith in what is to come, and your ultimate reward for a life well lived when such time comes. All my love continues to come your way.
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Richard and family, our thoughts and prayers are always with you. Whatever path he chooses will be out of love for his family. We have a large prayer chain going for you asking the Lord for peace with whatever decision is chosen. Please know we are for you and if you need anything at all please don’t hesitate to ask.
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I cant image the fear, un-knowning and how to make the decision. My heart and prayers are with you all. Love and belief is the ultimate. Please know there is a lot of love and prayers sending your way.
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I wish I had the perfect words to ease your thoughts and pain. Sending all the love and prayers I have your way, while asking others to as well. Please let me know if you all need help with anything. Don’t hesitate to ask.
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Thank you for the update. My thoughts and prayers are with the family as this decision is being made. Know that your faith will be a guide and God is always there. Time is a gift to all of us to cherish each day.
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